Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
