At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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