I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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