someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
