I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
being pregnant is like rehab
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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