if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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