Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
