I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
