Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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