He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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