I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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