you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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