THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
