I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
