I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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