Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
