Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
