please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
