So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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