I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
