Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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