time to smoke my breakfast
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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