I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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