So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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