i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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