rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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