I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
