Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
