im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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