after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
