I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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