Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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