no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
