I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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