biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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