i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
