can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
this boner is exhausting
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
