dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
