Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
