Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
