Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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