I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
