Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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