idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
