there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
