There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
