Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
