3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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