all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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