I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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