They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
