i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
