Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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